Intuition

In my earlier posts I’ve talked about intuition and how I’ve learned to trust my own. Throughout my marriage things were often said or done that I intuitively felt were wrong or strange and didn’t quite fit into what I thought was normal or right. I ignored my intuition many times. My gut instincts were constantly telling me something was off and I just put it all to the back of my mind. I can go as far back as when I met my husband and even then I had this feeling but I didn’t know what it was. Over time these feelings subsided somewhat as I started to fall in love with him. He was very charming and charasmatic so any reservations I had were sort of blown sideways by all the proclamations of love. I was blinded by it all.

Being quite young when we met I hadn’t really figured out who I was at that point and so I was very easily seduced by his charm, his intelligence, his talents and his good looks. I was like a blank canvas that he kept throwing paint at and he turned me on to whatever turned him on. I absorbed everything. He also introduced me to the dark, muddy world of drugs. It seemed like everybody around me at that point in time was caught up in this lifestyle and to be a part of that scene meant you had to immerse yourself in it. I was never addicted to anything back then and taking drugs was of no interest to me but I did feel a huge amount of pressure to partake and not be seen as the wet blanket. I hated the way drugs made me feel and I found it very difficult to bounce back after I’d taken them. I couldn’t believe how easy it was for him to function the next day when I’d be lying in bed feeling suicidal.

I should have listened to my intuition telling me that this wasn’t the way I should be living my life. I sort of justified it with the silly notion that I was young and you only live once, that kind of thing, and he backed that notion 100%. I was trying to justify something I didn’t even approve of. I wish I had been true to myself and how I really felt instead of just going along with it to fit in. It’s fear. Fear of being the odd one out, the uncool one, the boring one, fear of disappointing people, fear of being alone. How weak of me.

When I talk about my gay husband, I’m talking about a person that I believe is a narcissist and a sociopath. It’s only after researching these personality types that I’ve come to recognize this, to be able to put a name to it. He was totally preoccupied with himself and his needs and completely paranoid about how he was perceived by others while pretending that he wasn’t. He was the center of his own universe and saw others as things to be used to benefit himself, hence me, the beard. I believe he was so afraid of revealing his true self that he decided very early on to adopt a false persona in order to hide something which he is ultimately ashamed of. Part of that false persona was having a wife, to maintain the pretence of him being a straight man.

He had the ability to change personas too. He could easily play the tough guy, or then Mr Nice Guy, the life and soul of the party, and then worst of all, the wounded child, when he didn’t want to face up to his responsibilities. He played that card regularly and used it constantly as a way to avoid intimacy. I would often find myself screaming inside ‘Man-up!’. It was excruciating to be around him when he was in this mode and I would often leave the house because I just couldn’t stand it anymore. And so he got what he wanted.

I put up with a lot of crap before I even realized he was gay and I didn’t listen to my intuition. It wasn’t like he was the perfect husband and then one day I discovered he was gay, that was just the icing on the cake, so to speak.
I will say though, living with someone like him and having to deal with their mood swings and complete lack of respect, for everything, it can grind you down. I felt like I was going crazy at times so I didn’t know who or what to trust. And it was all part of his plan. Then depression hit and I sank into it.

Those alarm bells didn’t stop ringing though. In fact, some of my darkest moments were the clearest. That niggling feeling that wouldn’t go away.

What if?

What if he is? It would explain this, and that, and why that happened, or didn’t..

I remembered things that I had buried away, weird instances that I didn’t know what to do with, things that made no sense at the time. Suddenly they all added up and it seemed so obvious.

Finally, after years of ignoring it, I trusted my intuition. I know it was right. It had been all along. I don’t really know what it is or where it comes from but I think it’s like a sense, built-in. Maybe it’s part of our souls, who knows. I know that it’s something all of us can relate to because we’ve all had that feeling in our gut. Whatever it is, I do think it has our best interests at heart.

Nowadays I think I’m much more in tune with my intuition. I still find it hard to trust it at times but I’ve realized that comes from fear because more often that not it seems it’s trying to tell me something that I don’t necessarily want to hear.

‘Trust your intuition’ has become a mantra of sorts for straight spouses because every single one of us has had that feeling in our gut and I haven’t heard one story yet where it turned out they were wrong. If you’re asking yourself could it be that my husband or wife is gay then that’s your intuition at work, it senses it. What you choose to do with it is important. Please don’t ignore it like so many of us have. If you feel it, confront it. You’ll either get a confession or a denial but either way you’ll get your answer because that moment when you confront it, it’s the most revealing moment of all.

Till next time.

~ by brebrave on August 13, 2014.

5 Responses to “Intuition”

  1. Awesome article, thank You !!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This is so, so true. Donna Andersen of http://www.Lovefraud.com stated in one of her articles that 73 out of 100 women who married sociopaths had a gut feeling that something was wrong before they married, but thought with their heart instead of their head. Your intution is your best guide. Keep following it! Great article! xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks Bonnie, yes I believe that’s what happens, we think with our hearts and not our heads and we’re targets for these sociopaths and narcissists. I definitely had a feeling in my gut when we met, not that he was gay just an uneasy feeling..that something was off. I wish I’d listened to my intuition, it would have saved a lot of heartache.. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This is so well written. I can definitely relate to your story. I was unknowingly married to a gay man for 22 years. I found he is gay at the end of the marriage and went in search for answers. This is when I found Bonnie and SWC.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks Debra, me too, I realized too at the end of my marriage, it didn’t hit me until the end even though I had suspicions throughout, I just wasn’t sure what I was suspicious about. So glad you found Bonnie, she’s an inspiration to us all x

      Liked by 1 person

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