Self

It’s been some time since I’ve posted. For a while I was feeling like this whole thing was just totally consuming me, all of my thoughts and feelings were tied up in it and I was afraid of it, afraid of telling people, afraid of the future, wondering what will happen and how will I cope. In an earlier post I talked about truth and how I felt this overwhelming need to tell people my truth. I got to do that finally with the one person I needed to talk to the most and guess what, they understood. They don’t understand how or why it happened any more than I do but they were understanding of my circumstances and instead of being angry or confused or judgmental, all the things I was worried they would be, they just listened to my story. Relief doesn’t even begin to describe it.

I’ve realized that I don’t need acceptance or understanding from anybody, it’s my truth and that’s that but when it’s someone that you really care about and you want them to know everything about you then it is important to tell them, honesty is key. It’s different with friends, I’ve come to realize that I can’t make them understand and probably never will.

Someone said something to me recently which really made me think. They said that because I’m a good person and I believe in fairness and treating people kindly that I expect others to behave the same way. My first reaction was to think do they mean I’m too hard on people and have high expectations? What they meant was that I’m too trusting and assume that everybody will act fairly and has good intentions. I brought this up because I’ve started to really try and look at myself and try to figure out why this happened to me and see if I can learn from it in a positive way.

I’d always considered myself to be a pretty good judge of character. My parents used to always say to me that I should be wary of people so I was but I think to such an extent that I was wary of the wrong people if that makes any sense. I think I put my trust in the wrong people and perhaps missed the opportunity to get close to the right people. I’m not even a people person to be honest and yet I do worry what people think, although less so nowadays. But I did think I was a good judge of character and tried to be wary. Turns out I was a terrible judge of character and thus allowed myself to be manipulated and controlled by another person, and didn’t even realize it.

We’re all flawed, nobody’s perfect. Thank god because how boring would that be.

But we can all improve I think, as humans. I’m learning about myself and I know there are things I need to improve but also not to be too hard on ourselves, that’s important too, because life is hard and sometimes you have weirdness flying at you from all angles, things you never expected and you deal with it, what else can we do. Sometimes something greater than you ever imagined comes after the fall then you ask yourself was that just a test, that horrible experience, so that this could happen?

I know one thing for certain this experience has changed me and in certain ways, for the better. 

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift” – Mary Oliver

~ by brebrave on March 21, 2014.

2 Responses to “Self”

  1. I am so sorry I don’t know who you are, but I am so, so glad you are writing again. Your words are so, so profound. Can we be in toucn? Please homor me with a note how I can reach you at Bonkaye@aol.com. You have such a rare and beautiful talent of writing. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your kind words Bonnie it’s encouraging to get feedback and is much appreciated. It’s comforting to be able to come here and write about how I feel and it’s great that you dropped by because I can say thank you. Unknowingly you have helped me with your words and encouragement (to all straight spouses) and I’m grateful for that. xx

      Like

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